


i could never say the words it takes (to make your heart break)

by orphan_account



Series: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter Fics [34]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery, Self-Harm, Sky Factory AU, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21956419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After Jeremy was banished below the astral plane for using his blood magic to capture and torture Ryan, Ryan is still convinced that there's something worth salvaging from his mage.
Relationships: Jeremy Dooley/Ryan Haywood
Series: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter Fics [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/846834
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	i could never say the words it takes (to make your heart break)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a secret santa gift in the ahds for orangeycookiekay/artsyorangeykay on tumblr!

_The first sensation Ryan felt when he woke up was pain._

_He couldn’t help but cry out, clutching himself and curling into himself. When he opened his eyes, he was in some sort of cage with a stone floor. There was nothing in the cage with him, but he felt hundreds of daggers piercing his skin all at once. The pain drew blood, much to his horror, and it was absorbed into the stone the moment it touched the floor._

_“W-what’s happening?” Ryan called out. At first, there was no response. Even though the astral plane surrounded the cage, he couldn’t see anyone. “Please…”_

_His eyes could barely focus, but he could see someone rising up to meet him on the other side of the cage. Ryan’s eyes lit up seeing him. “Hello there, my moon,” Jeremy cooed._

_“Jeremy…” Ryan reached out a hand to him. “Help me…”_

_“And why would I do that?”_

_“W-what…?”_

_Ryan tried to get a better look at him, but he recoiled when he did. Jeremy’s eyes were red, not brown, and there was dark magic swirling around his arms. His hands were stained with blood, and Ryan wished he could be sure it wasn’t his. He normally couldn’t feel the aura from Jeremy’s dagger, but it was potent, and the bloodstains on the blade seemed to be...glowing?_

_“Oh, my moon, don’t you understand?” Jeremy reached into the cage to grab Ryan’s wrist, digging his nails into the skin as he dragged him closer. “I’ve unlocked something powerful. Something that will propel me past godhood, past all of the little hang-ups that come with it. And the missing link was you.”_

_Ryan squirmed in pain as he was pierced again, but Jeremy kept a tight grip on him. “Jer...my mage, why…?”_

_“Don’t worry, my moon. You won’t die, you can’t...not with what I’ve done. You’ll be here for as long as I can keep you. Don’t you want me to be the most powerful being in this terrible world?”_

_“Not like this!”_

_“What, do you think anyone else would sacrifice something so great for me? They’re all selfish, loathsome little gods…” Jeremy sneered, looking out at the rest of the astral plane. “They only want what’s best for themselves.”_

_“Because they’d rather not sacrifice their life to give you unlimited power!” Ryan yelled, first in anger and then in pain as Jeremy dragged his blade down Ryan’s forearm. As the blood poured out of his arm and was absorbed into the cage, Jeremy’s eyes glowed red, and the aura around him flared up._

_It was the last thing he saw before he passed out. Ryan remembered feeling terrified and enraged, but most of all, he mourned the loss of his mage._

———

Ryan’s eyes flew open, and he pressed a hand to his forehead. _Gods, the nightmares won’t stop…_ He stared at the roof of the hut he fell asleep in—ever since the incident, he’d been told to rest for at least part of the day. Even if he was a god, he still had his limits.

As much as he would’ve wanted to work around the clock like he did before being put in Jeremy’s “Well of Suffering,” Ryan didn’t really want to argue with Jack. He reached up and rang the bell just above his bed, waiting for someone to eventually hear it and come by to change his bandages. 

While he waited, Ryan thought about what happened to Jeremy. He’d never asked, to be fair, but he still didn’t know much. He knew Jeremy wasn’t on this plane anymore, but he certainly wasn’t on the mortal plane. Maybe it was stupid of him to worry about the god who kidnapped and hurt him, but...Ryan still had a feeling Jeremy, the real Jeremy, had been possessed by untold power—a power that, from what he could tell by the half-destroyed blood altar still on the astral plane, he didn’t have access to anymore.

Jack soon interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up at the other man. “Hey, Jack…” Ryan said, sighing.

“You feeling alright?” Jack replied, grabbing a stool from the other side of the room and dragging it to the side of Ryan’s bed. “How’s your wound?”

“Still stings.” Ryan watched as Jack sat down and started unwinding the bandages around his arm. “Do you...know where Jeremy is?”

Jack stopped in his tracks, and he looked at Ryan with a confused look on his face. “Why?”

Ryan shrugged. “Just curious, I guess.”

The other man sighed, rubbing some ointment into Ryan’s wound once it was undressed. “I didn’t do it myself, but according to Geoff, he’s under our plane right now.”

“Do you know how he’s doing?”

“Are you planning on going down there or something?” Jack asked. “Look, I know you can do whatever you want, but you don’t know if he’s lost that bloodlust or not.”

“The altar’s destroyed, though...and wasn’t his dagger broken too?”

“You don’t know if he’s made a makeshift one, though.” Jack started wrapping Ryan’s wound in new bandages. “Again, I’m not gonna stop you, but...maybe take someone with you? Or at least a weapon for self defense?”

Ryan sighed. Well, now he really wanted to see Jeremy…

“Think it over. Maybe you could busy yourself by helping me out for now?” Jack pulled out a hoe out of his utility belt and leaned it against the wall. “You can use my old hoe if you want.”

“...Sure.” He grunted as he sat up in bed. “Could use some walking anyway.”

Jack smiled and patted Ryan’s shoulder. “Whenever you’re ready.” He left, leaving the door open to let some sun in.

Ryan knew he could leave the astral plane if he needed to. He had a feeling that Jeremy was powerless now, but either way, he wanted to see his mage again.

———

Even then, Ryan was still nervous about seeing Jeremy. Maybe it was the uncertainty of his condition—would he be just fine? Would he be driven even more to hurt others?

Would he have hurt himself?

Ryan _really_ didn’t want to think about that. He got up, trying not to put pressure on his injured arm, and grabbed the hoe Jack left for him before leaving the hut.

Jack’s farmland seemed to expand since he’d been injured—the corn stretched high into the sky, overshadowing his other crops. He could barely see the other god through the thick stalks until he popped out of them, waving to Ryan.

He followed Jack around, for the most part. Jack would point to some untilled dirt, and Ryan would make a divot for Jack to plant a new seed in. He would explain what kind of plant the seed would eventually grow into, and it was fascinating to hear him talk so proudly about his interests.

Ryan hoped Jeremy could do the same, one day.

Once they were done planting, Jack had given Ryan a basket to harvest corn for. They’d been coming in more frequently than Jack expected, so he needed an extra hand. Ryan tried to be mindful as he used his jetpack to get some of the higher ears of corn, and soon enough, his basket was full of corn, ready to be roasted and eaten later. 

Despite the cool winds giving them some relief, the sun was beating down on both of the gods. Ryan wiped away the sweat on his forehead, and Jack patted his face down with a bandana.

“Think I’m gonna take a break…” Jack said, shielding his eyes from the sun.

“I probably should too. Feels like you’re gonna yell at me if I push myself too hard.” 

Jack laughed at that. “I mean, I won’t _yell_ at you, but you need the break more than I do.”

Ryan nodded, handing his basket over to Jack before leaving the fields. He didn’t want to, but he took his hoe with him—just in case Jeremy was as bad as Jack was worrying.

———

It wasn’t a very long walk to the staircase, leading down below the astral plane. Ryan had taken a torch with him, figuring that it would be hard to see down there. He was surprised that it had been left unlocked, but maybe there was some magical barrier preventing Jeremy from leaving—Ryan wasn’t exactly great at detecting magic.

Barrier or not, he stepped down below with ease. Like he expected, it was dim, the astral plane obscuring much of the sunlight. Ryan held up his torch and looked around—the space was much smaller than up above. His boots hit the cobblestone loudly as he walked around the various machines, looking for any sign of his mage.

He froze when he saw a red substance on the ground. It smelled metallic and _wrong,_ and it was coming from an odd lump near the corner of the plane.

Ryan’s voice was small as he called out, “Jeremy?” 

The figure raised his head, and if it wasn’t for the ragged clothes, Ryan would have never recognized Jeremy. Sometime between his capture and now, he must’ve sheared his head clean.

Jeremy turned around to face Ryan. His brown eyes were wide, filled with fear as he stared at Ryan. Blood was leaking from two large cuts down his arms, dripping down his skin and seeping into the cobblestone. Ryan dropped the torch in shock.

Before he could take another step forward, Jeremy pointed the dagger in his hands at him: it was poorly made out of the same stone around him, sharpened erratically, fashioned hastily. Blood stained the blade, the stone’s gray mixed with dull red.

“Jeremy!” Ryan called out again, louder this time. He rushed forward, taking the hoe out of his belt and knocking the dagger out of Jeremy’s hand. Before he could grab it again, Ryan stooped down and tightly wrapped his arms around his mage. “Jeremy, please…”

“Give it back!” Jeremy’s movements were frantic, slapping against Ryan as he tried to break free. “Please, it’s all I have!”

“You’re bleeding, I can’t…” Ryan pulled Jeremy into his lap, tightening his grip. He tried to be comforting—running a hand up and down his back, resting his chin on Jeremy’s head—but he continued to squirm in his grasp.

When Jeremy broke away from Ryan’s arms, he reached for his dagger. Ryan’s eyes widened, and his instincts kicked in. He grabbed the dagger first and threw it over the edge of the plane, stopping Jeremy in his tracks.

“Y-you…” Jeremy stared out helplessly at the void. He turned to Ryan, tears filling his eyes. _“What the fuck did you do?! You threw it away! It was all I had and you **ruined** it!”_ He let out a wordless scream, throwing himself at Ryan. Even as Ryan tried to fight back, Jeremy’s nails scraped at his arms. 

He was panicking; even holding Jeremy at arms distance wasn’t helping. Ryan spied one of the machines nearby. Could he live with himself if he…?

“I’m sorry, Jeremy,” he whispered, before driving Jeremy into the machine. He cried out in pain, letting go of Ryan and crumpling to the ground. Ryan put a hand on his back, letting out a sigh of relief when he felt his mage was still breathing. He sat against the machine, pulling Jeremy into his lap. “I’m sorry…” he repeated, stroking his back with his thumb.

Slowly, Jeremy rose his head up. He was dazed for sure, but that looked to be it. Ryan kept a hand over Jeremy’s heart, feeling it slow to normality after his outburst. “Did I hurt you?” Ryan whispered, shifting his hand up to cup Jeremy’s cheek.

“It doesn’t matter…” Jeremy responded, looking at the floor. “I have nothing now...who cares if I’m hurt?”

“I do!” Ryan huffed. “Jeremy...my mage, please…”

Jeremy looked like he wanted to say something, but he stayed silent. His gaze shifted to his wounded arms. “I’m getting blood on your clothes…”

Ryan glanced down. Sure enough, there was blood staining his shirt and pants. “You are,” he replied.

They sat in silence. Jeremy kept his head on Ryan’s shoulder, rising and falling ever so slightly with Ryan’s breathing. Ryan kept his hands around Jeremy, one on his lower back and another around his shoulders.

“Come on, I have an idea.” Ryan struggled to stand with Jeremy in his arms, but he managed it, leaning on the machine for support.

“Wait, where are you taking me?”

“Back up to the astral plane. I’ll take care of you, okay?”

“Ryan, I’ve been abandoned by everyone else. Why are you so stubborn?”

He looked down at Jeremy. “Because you’re my mage, my lover...I’m not letting you go.”

Jeremy was silent again, but only for a moment. “...Fine.”

Ryan continued walking, eventually reaching the staircase. Nothing happened to him or Jeremy as they walked up—no winces or cries of pain, no force preventing either of them from leaving.

_Had he just...given up?_ Ryan thought.

Before they could reach the hut, though, Ryan saw Jack in the fields again. They stared at each other for a moment in disbelief. Jack’s gaze lowered to the weakened Jeremy in his arms. He silently nodded at Ryan before returning to his work.

Ryan ducked inside the hut, walking into the bathroom and placing Jeremy in the tub, tucked into the corner. He carefully removed his clothes for him before turning on the water. 

Jeremy seemed to relax further in the warm water, and he silently watched as Ryan grabbed a sponge and dunked it into the water. He ran it across Jeremy’s back, watching the dirt and grime wash away—how long had he been down there, again?

As he continued to clean, Ryan tried to be careful around the wounds. They were no longer bleeding, but they were still angry and red. He soothed Jeremy when he whimpered from the sting, pressing kisses to his head.

Once Jeremy’s skin had been scrubbed raw and pink, Ryan dried his arms off and started dressing the wounds. “This is gonna sting a little,” he warned, before putting the same ointment Jack used on him on Jeremy’s. Jeremy bit his lip, but he stayed silent as Ryan treated him.

When Ryan started wrapping bandages around his arms, Jeremy spoke up. “Why?”

“You’re my mage, Jeremy,” Ryan replied. “I couldn’t live with myself if I let you rot down there.”

“But I…” he shuddered. “I tortured you, Ryan. I don’t understand…”

“You’re hurting too. If I’d known you were hurting yourself, I would’ve been down there much sooner.”

Jeremy looked down at Ryan’s hands again, now that he was finished dressing his wounds. Tears welled in his eyes again, and Ryan was quick to envelop his head in his arms. He wrapped his arms around his back in return. “I-I don’t deserve you, Ryan…” Jeremy hiccuped.

“You deserve someone who’s going to take care of you, my mage. And if I can do that for you, then…” Ryan sighed. He broke away from the hold, tilting Jeremy’s head up so they were at eye level. “I love you, my mage. More than the stars in the sky.”

Jeremy’s voice cracked as he responded, “I love you too, m-my...my moon.” 

Ryan leaned down and kissed him, cupping his cheeks. Jeremy grasped Ryan’s arms, rubbing an apologetic thumb over the bandages on his arm.

When they finally pulled away, they rested their foreheads against each other’s. Ryan reached a hand up to wipe away Jeremy’s tears. “Was there anything keeping you from leaving?” Ryan asked.

“...Myself,” he responded. “I...I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially not you, but...I was so weak. The altar and the dagger were destroyed. I couldn’t feel anything…”

“I could’ve helped you…”

“I didn’t want to be weak!” Jeremy cried out. “I didn’t want you to see me like that...like _this…”_

Ryan stayed silent for a moment, simply staring back at his lover. “My mage...I can’t imagine how it feels to be powerless, to have nowhere to fuel your magic...but the past is in the past now. You’re out, and you’re safe.” He paused again, closing his eyes. “I know I’ve never been magically inclined, but I want to help you find peace. Something new, something to give you a new life. Will you let me help you?”

Jeremy looked at Ryan. He wanted to say yes, _yes, a thousand times yes,_ but he knew what he had to do to the remains of the altar before he could move on to another form of magic.

“I have to fully destroy the altar. I don’t...I could hear it still, when I was down there. Faint whispers, but they were _there,_ Ryan...I don’t want to lose myself to it again.”

“I’ll be there,” Ryan replied, placing a hand over Jeremy’s. “I’ll come with you. If it starts getting to you, _tell me._ We don’t have to destroy the altar all in one go.”

Jeremy turned Ryan’s suggestion over and over in his mind, humming. “...Okay,” he finally said. “I don’t want to know what I’d do without you, my moon.”

“I don’t want to either, my mage.” Ryan cupped Jeremy’s face in his hands, kissing him again. “Now, can you get out of the bath yourself?”

“I think so…”

———

Once Jeremy was up and dressed, he walked with Ryan out of the hut. The sun was setting now, casting the sky in purple, pink, and orange. Jeremy stared out at it, lost in thought until Ryan put his hand on his shoulder.

When he looked up, Ryan handed him a pickaxe. “Ready to get rid of the altar?”

Jeremy looked at the altar. He could hear it whispering to him, only marginally louder than it was below the astral plane. He realized that he never heard it while he was in the hut.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

The whispers grew louder as they approached it, and Ryan kept a hand clasped around Jeremy’s. He squeezed it once they were close. “Remember what I told you?”

Jeremy nodded. “Tell you if it’s getting to me?”

“Mhm.” Ryan rose his pickaxe up, and it caught the light for a brief moment before he struck the altar’s base. A large chunk of a ritual stone fell off, crumbling to dust as it touched the ground. Jeremy looked at his own pickaxe and struck another part of the base—it also crumbled once it broke off. 

He could feel the whispers start to fade, ever so slightly.

There was something cathartic about the whole thing—destroying something that had given Jeremy so much pain, even though it gave him life. Ryan had promised to take care of him until he could find something else to channel his magic abilities; hopefully something that would heal instead of hurt. 

He wouldn’t trust anyone else to do that for him.

“Do you wanna deliver the final blow?” Ryan asked him. There was one more ritual stone left, and then the altar would be gone.

Jeremy nodded. He stepped closer to the stone, and the whispers (now incomprehensible) started up again.

He didn’t hesitate before he brought the pickaxe down on it, and he watched as it crumbled into pieces in front of him.

The whispers were gone.

Ryan walked over to him and pulled Jeremy into an embrace, dropping his pickaxe to hug him. Jeremy returned it, resting his head on Ryan’s shoulder as his moon enveloped him.

———

“Jeremy!”

Ryan’s shout startled him a bit, but he turned to face his lover. “What is it?”

It had been...a while, since he and Ryan destroyed the rest of the altar together. Jeremy had lost track of the time. He busied himself with fixing up the hut, although it was more of a proper house at this point, now that it wasn’t a hastily cobbled together two-room home.

“Michael’s discovered a new type of magic. He might not pursue it much further, but he’s told me he can teach you the basics.” Ryan grabbed Jeremy’s arm. “Do you want to come with?”

“Of course,” he responded, taking Ryan’s hand in his own. 

They eventually found Michael in the astral plane’s forest, in a small clearing near the edge. His setup was much simpler than anything blood magic gave him, but it would be better than nothing.

“Oh, there you are.” Michael stood up from the small altar, which had a few white cubes circling it. “You ready to learn some botania?”

Jeremy nodded, and joined Michael at the altar. Ryan hung back, leaning against a tree as he watched the two work. He didn’t understand half of what Michael was telling his mage, but he watched closely anyway. Jeremy closed his eyes, his fists clenched as Michael held his hands over them and hummed some sort of spell. Once he was finished, he removed his hands from Jeremy’s.

Ryan’s eyes widened when he saw a blue string of flame circle around Jeremy and, when he opened his fists, two blue flames flickered from his palms.

“Hey, look at that!” Michael exclaimed. “Man, you’re a natural.”

“Thanks…” Jeremy replied, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Here, hold on.” Michael dug some building supplies out of his pack and handed them to Jeremy. “This is the stuff you’ll need to make your own altar. Just make sure it’s surrounded by grass and flowers and you’ll be all good.”

“Thank you, Michael...so much.”

He waved a hand dismissively. “Eh, it’s nothing. I doubt you’ll be able to kill anyone with plant magic.”

Jeremy excitedly stuffed the supplies in his own pack and bounded over to Ryan, hugging him tightly. Ryan patted his back before pulling away. “You wanna go try it out right now?”

“Yes! Well, once we build the altar, of course...maybe I could make some sort of greenhouse in our house?”

“Whatever’ll help you, my mage.” Ryan wrapped an arm around Jeremy’s shoulder and kissed him for a brief moment, before leading the two of them out of the forest.

All around him, Jeremy could see the energy emanating within the forest, all sorts of magic intermingling with each other in harmony. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so light, but Jeremy loved the feeling.


End file.
